I’ve noticed this subtle agenda to keep women in boxes for the comfort of men. Any woman that steps outside of that box is ridiculed or exiled for having the audacity.
One thing that has never been scarce are compliments on the shape of my body. But we all have body image challenges, and I’ve never been one to flaunt it.
Truth is, I still am not. But something that HAS changed is my fear of what people think. Over the last year, I’ve done a lot of inner work to better understand myself and release shame I didn’t even know was present. That shame had me choosing a life that was less than what I deserved and partners that did not deserve me.
Since releasing that shame, I find myself not only loving what I see in the mirror more. But I also am taking way better care of myself. Playing way less small and going after everything that belongs to me.
When you aren’t sure if what you see is worth loving, then you treat it with that same uncertainty.
Shame like most things is a seed and wherever it grows, it will breed more.
I realize that I picked up shame about my body where it was already planted.
If your lover causes you to feel shame, it is because shame exists within them.
If your church causes you to feel shame, it is because shame exists within it.
If your family causes you to feel shame, it is because shame already exists within it.
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If you have a healthy relationship with the black female body then pretend the following is in invisible ink and keep scrolling. This message is not for you. 🙂
If not, please continue….
There may be a lot of believers who will read this and scoff at it. But we need to start being real with ourselves. When the Word itself shows us how Christ came to the rescue of a prostitute caught in the act, then we should never have anyone walk into the doors of a church feeling shame, or out of those doors because of it. But that is the truth for many people who do not attend church now. They fear the shame and judgement they will feel. God has been revealing to me lately the grief it causes Him that these faith structures are literally boxing people out.
It’s quite ridiculous, if you asked me. And if you also asked me, there are millions of Christians who are nothing like Christ. To be honest, we should all just stop bearing His name because the culture has become very convoluted. I’m not here to cause division or to stage a coupe de tat in the faith. I’m just here to call a spade a spade.
I don’t care if she walked in naked. No one should ever leave the house of God feeling shame. GOD DOES NOT LEAD WITH SHAME. He leads with love. The two simply cannot exist.
There is a lot of hidden shame in churches that is not talked about. People suffering with lust and abuse, that then use faith as a mask to cover it up and never deal with it. When these things are not exposed to the light but are kept hidden out of fear of rejection or ridicule or not seeming “holy enough,” it rubs off on everyone who comes in contact with it. Men who are not challenged to deal with their lust but allowed to live free of accountability due to the patriarchal structure of society and even the church, carry shame of hidden lusts and secrets that never get exposed. That shame then gets projected on women, who are made to live in fear of awakening that hidden beast. Excuse my run on sentences, go back and re-read it if you’re not clear. But I had to get this out. Enough is enough.
I stopped attending church last year when the pandemic hit and haven’t looked back. I enjoy watching church online because I have don’t have to go through the agony of trying to decide what to wear lest it make someone uncomfortable. This is the case for millions of women who simply love God but can’t find their place.
The truth is, we all sense it. But no one is allowed to talk about it. That unrepentant sin removes God from the equation and allows shame to flourish and do it’s dirty work. Living in shame is sin itself. Rather than surrendering it to God, we allow it to keep us from God and then push others even further from Him in the process because of our ridicule.
So here’s my call to action for men in the church or ANYONE dealing with lust or shame. SURRENDER IT TO GOD> He can restore all things. He can restore anything that shame came to destroy.
It is not our duty to keep y’all holy. And I am fully aware of the scripture that says we should be careful not to cause others to sin. But in the very same vain, the shame you heap on the heads of women who are just trying to be free in their own bodies is causing them to live in the sin of shame and keeping them away from God. Living in shame is sin itself. So yes, you are causing women to fall into shame when you don’t check yourselves and instead make it about them. I mean this from the top to the bottom left and right in the church and at home.
Deal with your selves. Deal with the cowards that were touching little girls and causing them to grow up in shame. Deal with the ones that lust after young women, while telling them to save themselves for marriage. That was my story. And it really messed my head up about faith. I grew up in love with God, quoting scripture from age 7 at vacation bible school and an after school program I so looked forward to called AWANA. I was taught about the example of Christ and aspired to be JUST LIKE HIM. Y’all remember the WWJD bracelets? You know the vibes! I had ten! I was obsessed with Jesus. Well, the same man who molested me at age 13 ran the church and gave me a card to keep in my wallet that said “ATM Card,” which meant abstinent till marriage. Imagine my confusion when this person robbed me of the very innocence he taught me was worth keeping.
The more I grieve that loss and heal in my adult years, the more clear I become on who God has called me to be.
If we do not deal with shame, we have a bunch of gorgeous women living in bondage to fear and unclear in their God-given identities. And that very bondage keeps them from seeing the beauty of God within them and His enduring love. Shame literally keeps us from God. We live in bondage to shame, feeling that the gift that God has given us is a tool of the enemy. How can that be so when the Bible says it is the temple of God. How can shame and God exist in the same body. I am not saying that people should walk around naked and without regard. But I am saying that people should stop policing women’s bodies for their own comfort and calling it “God.” I will say it again, stop policing people’s bodies for your own comfort and calling it God. Take your sins to God not (wo)man.
If sis feels comfortable in it, mind your business. If she does truly need healing then SEE HER. That’s it. Don’t just see what she is in an draw your conclusions. Actually SEE HER. That is what so many women need. And men too. And that’s what JESUS DID. He SAW US. He saw what was in our hearts. And He started from there.
The reason you cannot see us is because your own eyes are veiled with shame. The two are not the same.
Together we can eliminate the plot of the enemy to destroy us with shame. But it starts within. I love and honor the men who have dealt with theirs. Thank you. We need you. Please hold your peers accountable. Because we are tired.
So in summary, and it’s a long one:
Shame grows where it already exists.
We pick up shame at home, when our parents tried to protect us from the infidelity and sexual abuse that took place. So instead of talking about it, we trained our daughters to cover up and to fear the look of men. Rather than expose the shame at its root, we laid new seeds. Rather than confront it and hold the perpetrators accountable, we protected them and thus protected shame, allowing it to thrive. Rather than condemning shame, we condemned little girls for being girls, thereby exposing them to a lifetime of it. Or perhaps it wasn’t sexual perversion but the insecurities around their bodies that they then projected onto little kids with comments about their features or size. Ugh.
We pick up shame in relationships, when unhealed and unacknowledged trauma gets masked with ego, and the partners who claim to love would rather condemn in order to level the field. So that both parties are leveled by shame. The relationship can’t grow when shame is at its roots. Instead it rots and the people within it rot too.
We pick up shame at church for all the ways and reasons I listed above.
We carry this shame into our careers, and into our families and it also spreads to everything we touch. And then we wonder why the Bible does not come alive in our lives. Why we’re the tail and not the head. Why we are borrowing and not lending. Why we are not experiencing the exceeding abundance we were promised. And it’s because we are crippled by fear and shame.
I am ending the cycle of shame in my life. I will not raise my kids in shame or in places where it is allowed to fester. I will raise them in truth and repentance so that God’s truth can reign and not these lies we’ve built to hide our shame.
If you’re choosing to rebel against shame like I am, it starts within. God within and cultivate intimacy with God as you are. Allow Him to shape you. Shame is a veil that separates us from God to protect our sin. I have nothing to hide. I am walking freely in who He has called me to be and allowing Him to do the work in me daily. He does not punish us with shame and condemnation. But He will correct us.
I take pride in the gift that God has given me with this body. Now that my innocence has been restored I see things more clearly without that veil of shame. This body was not made for the comfort and satisfaction of men. It was made for my comfort and nourishment and for my pleasure too.
If you resonate with this post, I would love to hear it. If you have another opinion, I may be open to hearing it as well.
Oh, and here’s the IG post. And another one. Oh wait, there’s THREE!
I know.. the AUDACITY of a black woman to love herself this much. Ha!
With love,
Bex <3
