Fear. That’s right. The most destructive F-word of them all.
What makes “fear” such a terrible thing?
It gets in the way of us living happy and fulfilled lives.
It gets in the way of us cultivating our dream life.
It gets in the way of our ability to hear God.
What could be worse? Not much else comes to mind.
Fear can be crippling. Crippling our decision making. Crippling our ability to commit. And limiting our ability to function fully as who we are called to become.
There are 3 fears in particular that I find most people are gripped by:
-Fear of other people’s opinions,
-Fear of other people’s feelings,
-Fear of the future or the unknown.
How do you conquer them, you ask?
First, let’s uncover where the pattern of these fears first develop?
-If an elder often pointed out what others would think of you as a means of correcting your behavior, then you likely developed a constant concern for what people thought of you in public as a kid, and this habit followed you into your adulthood.
-If you often had an elder who made you feel bad for not accommodating their needs first, then you were probably programmed over time to believe that yours needs and feelings must always take a back seat in order for you to receive love and acceptance.
-And finally, these patterns create norms that we become so accustomed to, we don’t know how to be any different. We become comfortable in these limitations. And we don’t dare step outside of them to try something new, lest our fears of possible rejection, embarrassment or loss of love be confirmed.
The good news is, there is better for you. God did not place us here to live in misery, subject to the fear of people and their stuff. Truth is, we’ve made people our idols, behaving as if they are the source of our acceptance, happiness, success, and more. This is simply not true. You were created by God and are fully loved and accepted by Him already. Operating out of fear of man is an affront to His unconditional love and sovereignty.
So, how do we break free?
We break free simply by letting go.
I know this sounds easier said than done, but hear me out…
- Letting go of your attachment to people’s feeling: People’s feelings become the puppet strings that keep you tied to their agenda for your life forever. Those puppet strings quickly become shackles that keep you in a cycle, never finding fulfillment on your own, and constantly putting others’ dreams before your own. Your feelings matter.
If you notice yourself suppressing your true desires to make room for someone else’s you are more than likely capping your ability to reach your own goals. And worse still, you are making yourself small to accommodate others. That is never a good idea.
I repeat, your feelings matter. Your feelings are valuable. Your feelings deserve to be acknowledge. They deserve to be accommodated too. Detaching yourself from the feelings of others, leaves room for God to be God. When we cling so tightly to people, we do not leave room for God to do His part. And His hand in it is far more capable of fixing it than you - Letting go of your obsession over other people’s opinions: It is impossible to please everyone at once. At any given moment there are about 1000 ways that you may be perceived. Imagine trying to appeal to all 1000 of them. Exhausting. And unproductive. Most people don’t like themselves anyway, so judging something in others makes them more comfortable with themselves. This does not have to be your bondage.
- Letting go of your fear of the future/unknown: Gradually start taking small risks. Notice how you feel, and what you are learning by doing so. My guess, is you’ll discover that new isn’t so scary after all. New is simply new. The more you take these small risks, you’ll find that the unknown wasn’t as bad as you thought it would be. In fact, it’s way better than what you were settling for before taking the risk. And you’’ll also discover that you are brilliant enough to navigate “new,” no matter what it is.
Which one of these fears are you clinging to most, and what is it costing you?
Here’s a challenge I use to help clients conquer their fears:
- Write down your fears.
-All of them. Even the ones you’re embarrassed to admit. The confusing messages our fears send us keep our heads so clouded, we don’t see past them. Writing them down puts them into perspective and takes them out of your head and heart so that you have room for more of God and clarity to take action. - Next, write one action you can take to prevent that fear from becoming a reality.
-Now that you’ve acknowledge these fears exist, you move into strategy. Decide which ones you can act on in a preventative way, and which ones are simply irrational, and do not warrant your attention or energy. By doing this, you’re taking control of the fear, rather than letting it control you. - Ask God for help.
-Surrender them to your Creator. Give Him all of your fears. Lay them right there at His feet. Then tell Him what you want instead. We often go to God in prayer and forget to leave room for the exchange. He wants to hear what you want. Replace those fears with positive aspirations instead. He would much rather fulfill those for you. But if our minds only filled with fear, then we see only that come to life. Take captive those thoughts. Replace them with new truths. And ask for the grace to execute on the action steps you listed in step 2. Watch how quickly those positive visions you set come to life by doing this.
Whew! You did it! You faced your fears head on. You’ll immediately start to feel lighter by doing this.
Being honest about our fears and exposing them to light takes away their power.
My clients notice an instant release in the tension created by their anxiety when taking these measures to release themselves from the grips of their fear.
Try it out, and let me know what you think.
And when you’re ready, schedule a discovery call to get more personalized tools in one-on-one coaching to help you break these cycles and move forward with ease into your next level!
Until next time, Friend. Release and be well.
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