This sangria and this view are enough to make me return and fall in love (with this place and myself) again every time….
I take myself out on solo dates pretty often.
Recently I’ve been going to this lovely traditional Costa Rican restaurant with a stunning view of all of San Jose. I go there because the sangria is amazing and the view is breathtaking. And the combination of the two puts me in this euphoric state that I can’t even really explain. But my thoughts are super clear in this space too.
Depending on the day, it feels like I’m up in a cloud because of the high elevation. Anyway, it’s a dream. And I love it there.
Do you go on solo dates? I find them very beneficial to my personal development for two reasons:
You get to be yourself and show yourself how you want to be treated.
You get time alone to reflect on your growth and how you’re feeling.
I often reflect on my personal growth when on solo dates. I recognize there is tremendous purpose in my singleness right now. So it’s a great time to capitalize on the alone time. I get to assess how well I am aligning with the vision I have for my life as well as the vision I have for my life with my future partner.
Last night, I came up with a standard set of questions I think embody what I hope to achieve on these solo outings. That is to clear out barriers of the past, reflect on my current endeavors and imagine the beauty that is my future.
There’s a question that explores each the past present and future.
Discovering the answers to them will give you a clear view of the future, a practical assessment of the present and an opportunity to unearth anything from the past that may be holding you back.
I’m no dating expert, but if you’re reading this and in a relationship, these questions work great for both solo and couple outings. However, I do leave a disclaimer on each about the risks and benefits of sharing these with a partner.
I’ve also attached scriptural reference of the importance of exploring each question.
Here are the questions:
- What are your favorite songs right now and what seeds are they sowing in your life? (present) What goes in will come out. The music we listen to sticks in our hearts and our minds. And our minds create our futures.
What songs are orchestrating your thoughts? The answer to this question will tell you a lot about a person and where they are going; yourself included.
The answer to this question may make you want to add a bit more intentional seed carrying, life giving music to your playlist. You might even decide on anthem music that embodies what you are seeking in your particular season.
If dating, you don’t have to have the same tastes, but you do want to make sure what you’re allowing in is moving you in the same direction. When I was dating a guy that only listened to Future, it was a clear sign to me that that relationship was not going to progress in the direction of where I was headed, and I was right. So allow this to inform your choice in dating.
And if you’re in a relationship that is moving in the right direction, use it as a tool to recalibrate and be intentional about your growth together. What seeds do you want to be sowing together?
Switch it up if you need to.
see: Matthew 15:10-20; Amos 3:3. - What are you doing on this day ten years from now? And what did you do today to make that possible? (future) A look at the future is always essential to getting the vision for what we should be doing right now. Maybe you didn’t spend a ton of time on the future idea or project that will get you there. But if you embodied any type of progress or discipline, it is worth acknowledging. This question also helps you see where you may be needing to apply more pressure to get there. Also singles, it helps to envision your future relationship and ask yourself if you’re living up to who you need to be for that relationship to exist, and where you can make adjustments to be better prepared.
I will caution you that the risk of answering this one aloud with someone present is feeling the pressure to include them in the vision. So try to be as honest and transparent as possible. Because lying about the future only keeps you bound to the present. Be honest with yourself. And if you choose to do this with someone else, be honest with them as well, trusting that honesty is the only way forward.
To be honest, if you’re not on a date alone, this question may be best answered in silence, followed by a toast to it coming to be in support of one another. Kind of like how you don’t share what you wish for when you blow out the candles. It holds it sacred and true without fear of who will oppose it.
Now if you discover that the person in front of you is not in that vision, direct communication is key. But I’m not a relationship coach, so I’ll gracefully back away from this one and leave it there. 🙂
see: Habakkuk 2:2; again Amos 3:3. - If you could admit one thing without fear of judgment, what would it be? (past) I know we don’t always like going back to the past. And in most cases, there is no need to. We’re new. But I do know that sometimes, when left un-confronted, our past can sit as a blockage in the way of our future growth. Having a safe place to release what is holding us captive in our thoughts is essential to us having the clarity to move forward. If you’re doing this alone on a solo date, as advised, it’s really easy to surrender it to God in private. Start with writing out your fears. I encourage writing or saying out loud because otherwise they are stuck in your head. Get them out somehow, and expose them to the light. You’ll feel instantly freer and clearer. And God is super merciful and wants that for you too.
There is also a benefit to confessing one to another as scripture says (James 5:16 and Galatians 6:2). So if you’re out doing this with a partner or friend, share aloud. I know married couples who do this for 5 minutes on date night and it does wonders in their marriage. There’s less guessing when it comes to triggers and they find support in one another by being transparent in this way. I highly recommend this practice if you are in a relationship.
Finally, we overcome by the power of our testimony. So acknowledge that you made it here today in spite of whatever it is. And expose it so that it does not just sit in the shadows waiting for a chance to rear its ugly head. see: Hebrews 4:14-16; John 1:9; John 8:32.
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Of course, you don’t have to answer these questions on a date, you can answer them any time in your journaling or alone time. But self dates are a special expression of self love, and intentionality is key.
Get to know yourself or your partner better while jumping through time with these questions.
Try them out by yourself, or with your partner or on a date with a friend and see what comes up.
Happy reflecting!
xo,
Bex
Here’s a reel I shared on IG summarizing it.
